A Confession.

At the end of 2019, I listened to Honne's Shrink repeatedly. That song clung to my ear so hard til I wanted to use it for my year recap video - but usual laziness, I didn't do the video.

There's part of the lyric..

You'd better book me a shrink for 2020

'Cause by that time I'm gonna be crazy, crazy

Guess what I just did in this almost mid-2020? Talked to a shrink.

Had always been wanting to talk to one as sometimes I feel I am trapped in my own-created perplexity, a tangled string of thoughts. I never did tho because to pay someone to attend to my rant is a splurge that is not acceptable by my financial counselor (read: myself).

Weeks ago I saw this ad a free of charge shrink consultation to help people in handling their anxiety because of Corona stuff. I was so confident that I could handle my anxiety, I have my uke, I pray, I listen to at least 3 online Sunday services every week, I have consistent self-reflective journal, I will be safe - I will be alright.

I was wrong.

Dark old days replayed back. I was so low, unmotivated and felt regretful of starting a brand new day every morning I wake up. Someday, my heart was so heavy with words locked inside unspoken. I hoped and wished I could cry blasting out my emotion, but tears restrained in my nose - is it where tears piled up? That dark hole isn't unfamiliar. Been there done that, I know how bad it would be if not handled properly, I decided to find help - I googled to retrieve the FOC shrink.

Though I was pretty sure that I need help. I was hesitant - leaving the form unfilled, is shrink really necessary?

Am I that lonely that couldn't just chat my friends or cell group leader to talk it out like normal girls do? Am I losing my spiritual self that couldn't just pray, worship, cry out loud like usual?

Weeks of weeks before I listened to this podcast that say it's normal to look for a shrink just to have someone to talk to, bonus point they can offer professional insights and neutral perspective - since they aren't included in any of your social circle. Looking for a shrink doesn't mean you are crazy or unnormal. Mental health is supposed to be treated equally as physical health. When you feel unwell, and pharmacy medicine (friends) don't work, then seek a doctor. So when your mental mind is unwell, it's undeniably normal to look for professional help.

Else, going to a shrink doesn't turn me into an agnostic - I console myself. God doesn't go down Himself to save a sinking woman, He sent help three times that were rejected by the woman. That FOC shrink is one of Godsent, I suppose. Settling down, I filled the form up and scheduled a therapy via WA so I can always reread and reprocess.

I started the session straight-forward. I told her - the shrink, I have anxiety and cause of it, also my own self-diagnose of impostor syndrome. I was so articulate and organised in elaborating my feeling. Perhaps I'm her easiest patient ever as I was so conscious of what I am feeling. She asked questions which drove me to think the session was going nowhere. I expected a direct diagnose and straight forward revelation of my problem. But who am I to judge, her questions, though I thought going round and round, were actually the peeling session.

So we spent 1.5 hour of session with 3-5 minute interval of reply. I asked for the conclusion and as usual, she asked me back how I felt and what did I get. Perhaps this is how a shrink works? To test the patient for what they are thinking first? Well, so she concluded as below, you might think I am so crazy to share my personal diagnose into internet. What she wrote was so generic that I thought it's a part of somewhat personality test result from internet. Also, I thought this what happened to me also is likely to happen to other people (read: overthinking girl) as well, so #sharingiscaring.

To my surprise as well, there's another post that have been sitting on my draft for days circling around this concept above. I must say, for a FOC service, she's good, so I changed the feedback score from 3 to 4 for her because of this 2 last messages.