how to fight well

"Do you guys often fight with each other?" 

A question some might ask to measure health of the relationship. 

Through, let's say, 10-15 fights in approximately a year, I found the answer to the million dollar question, how do you know that he is the one. 

I was a lil bit worry after first half dozen of our conflicts. Why did we clash? We generally are in the same frequency and perceive each other well. Yet, our conflicts resolves around this 1-2 specific pain points - our Achilles heel, which comes from our younger trauma. Why did we fall in the same pit? 

I made peace that fighting is inevitable, no matter how similar or in synced a couple is. How can a two persons coming from different background, experiences, culture, can unite without clashing or overlapping with each other? Not to mention, expectations of both are haunting. 

As resolutive as I wanted to be, there would be unforeseen conflicts ahead as life evolves and season changes. Solution might not arrive in time every time conflict arises. So, I'm coming back to my life mantra, 

Life is 1% of what happen, and 99% of respond. 

 

A very relevant material from my premarital prep in church is worth to note:

 

Conflict is not a sign of sins or weakness. 

Conflict is common, and even through it, we can grow as long as we understand the purpose and how to handle conflict. 

Hence, we need to learn how to respond to conflict. 

It is so easy to be assured in high times, when there're all flowers and rainbows in the days. But does certainty remain still during arguments and disagreements?

A dozen fights later, I securely appraise our fights were fruitful and contributed a positive point to the former million dollar question (refer to above). "Wow, what a healthy way we argue," his comment on our first fight as we wait for each other to finish the sentence. 

Consuming a significant amount of relationship, self-helps and speaking sessions does bring its own benefit, that we have learned the playbook of how to fight well. 

(Sample may or may not happen before) 

Do | Know your trigger and be articulate about it. 

"I feel sad and abandoned that you were so busy and didn't text and talk to me all day. Don't you have five, no, 2 minutes, just to text and let me know that you are still alive?" 

Dont | Passive aggressive 

Ignoring the other, having short convo, and disengage, without giving any clue message on what is wrong. 

Do | Listen and process 

Probably the other has no capability for multitask, so they do really have 502+ unread message. 

Dont | Cut other's sentences off 

And the problem grows from one asking for attention, to the other one feeling disrespect. Congrats One, you will never get what you  want. 

Do | Sometimes, you just need to pause 

To let the emotion calms down and the anger subsides. 

Dont | Push it all at once 

Timing rules. 

Do |  Empathy 

Relationship 101: understanding, tolerating, compromising, yada yada yada.. 

Dont | Too much tolerating  

Are you suppressing your feeling? Does the fighting topic really matter? Go back to point 1 - be articulate of what you actually need them to do. 

Being real, fighting brings heartache and is tiring. 

Being honest, after a fight brings longing. That's why they have something sex after a fight, which I can't yet testify 😂

One I can testify is that a fight, only if it is a good one, may result in mutual understanding, and deeper intimacy. So if you must have a fight, have a good one.