2022: Tearful
One word for 2022 is tearful. I feel throughout the year I have cried more than when I had in my 20s combined.
Happy tears, sad tears, angry tears, shameful tears, grateful tears - all covered in 2022.
As I can remember, the first half of the year, I felt so confident. I told my friends that my life satisfaction was 8.5/10 - singleness is no longer a big issue for me. I find joy in my day to day work. I have my life well-managed.
I can't remember how I started to cry in the second of the year. Mind you, I'm not someone who easily cries. Close friends ussed to call me stone-hearted. I'm tough and not easily swayed. Yet, I cried - in the office stock room, in car while driving, in my room, in the bus during office outing (thank God for mask!), such a baby I become.
Wait, I just saw my last post before long hiatus - cry from behind the door! Confirmed, 2022 is tearful one.
From Grey's Anatomy I learned it is okay to feel upset but it has to be advantageous. Here I am putting defenses that my tears was worth of lessons I have gained.
As a sum up and context, the reason of my tears in the first 3/4 of the year was desperation for stagnate life I had, less spark and challenged. God wiped my tears by taking me to the new role in the company that I had longed for a long time, which becomes my highlight of the year and also the reason of tears in remaining year.
1) Life is beyond career
I thought I have known myself well, another veil revealed this year that I have invested my self-worth in achievement. I always know that I am a high achiever, I was not aware to what extent. Just like a clingy girl's world shattered once her boyfriend left her, I was kind of losing myself during the initial weeks in the new company. I lost my ground where I can produce and be useful.
So I learn to let go, to reclaim my joy in things I can control and the ultimate source of joy - God's providence.
2) Ego Shredder.
I always joked my fear was not of ghost, of death, it was of poor. I was wrong, I fear of being incompetent, or to refine, of people think I'm incompetent's.
Note the underlined words. I thought I have graduated on this curriculum, the self ego crawls back in. I had to once again relearn to leave things outside my control - people's opinion. There's nothing to hide, to prove, to brag. You are enough just the way you are even without any achievement.
3) Trust Process for Progress, no Protest
In the beginning of the year, my Pastor preached that big result requires big preparation. I know as my ego is being shredded, my roots are being strengthen for something great. At this point, I have already amazed of how my journey brought me unexpectedly to the place I am right now. Every dots are connected and so I believe these dots are still spotting here and there for even bigger picture upcoming - 4) Power of WHY.
5) Self-worth and self care
I also notice negative small talk that I thought was harmless, "Oh Cindy, how come you miss that small thing," is actually harmful and opposite practice of 6) Growth Mindset - it is totally okay if you miss that, for mistake to happen, you are learning and always a WIP. It is definitely not okay if you quit because of that one mistake. This is actually a great time to learn and make this mistake now because it's early and it's not such a big deal. Imagine if you make this mistake later on for bigger thing that doesn't allow error.
"Great job Cindy, you finally sent that email," to encourage myself even for a small task. To 7) celebrate small wins at the end of another day that we are brave enough to show up.
8) family - underrated blessing
In the midst of turbulences, I realise my family is cornerstone of strength. How they never demand for stuffs and attention, but are always supportive and helpful to navigate this new route with me has already lifted half of weight I have in my shoulder. You don't want me to start how other friends' family that I know can be such a... homework.
9) Heart rules
Last year lesson was about sympathetic resonance which comes again this year. Rule of thumb: the universe just needs sincerity and the right frequency of your heart to provide you the desire of your heart.
Again I learn, favor may not come from those who you have given one, perhaps you feel the world is unfair because they who you have helped pay no sympathy. It is okay because the greater help comes from the greater Power of the universe.
While elaborating these 10 points, again I realised how God's timing is just unbeatable. I was thoroughly equipped by all those lessons, understanding before I am onboard in this new voyage.
Otherwise, I would have sunk. There will be another ten lists of the proven God's timing that I will spare.
Repeating above,
Happy tears, sad tears, angry tears, shameful tears, grateful tears - all covered in 2022;
in the midst of those tears, 2022 has brought my spiritual relationship into another level of closeness.
Tearing in sadness, I cry out for His mercy and understanding - why such happened to me?
Tearing in anger, I question His meaning and direction - why do You put me in this situation?
Tearing in shame, I asked His teaching - what do You want me to learn?
Tearing in happiness, I admire His goodness - how can You be so good that I deserve all of this?
Tearing in gratefulness, I wonder at His sovereignty to prevail timely as everything takes place mercifully.
