What I think Christianity is about and what's not.

 Yesterday on cell group meeting, I was the asked to share if I think myself as a true Christian. 

With a certain heart, I answered, Yeah, 80% I think I am quite Christian. That time I don't think it's overrated. I always feel I seek God more during this pandemic. As I have mentioned several times, I listened to 3-4 church services every Sunday. I listen to Christian podcast occasionally. I enjoy listening to what Spotify categorises as Contemporary Christian Music. As per today - 17/10, I have a 17-hour, 202 songs, Christian playlist that I name "Healing+" on my Spotify. Also in this situation, I still serve the church, contributing 2-3 days of my time a month to the church. 

As I was the first one that was asked, I answered the question based on the pandemic period. I didn't think that it was a very confident rating of spirituality. I admitted on some part, I don't pay 100% attention to God. Then the other shared their points. Some said they were self-centered Christian who never pray for others, some were not motivated to tune in online service. They rated 50-70%. 

The more I think about it, the worse I feel about myself. Today I feel so drained.

In the morning, I was awaken by the urge and panic that I got to upload the church work asap. I didn't feel pressured, but I can't lie, I did feel uneasy. There's a self standard of achievement that I set for my Christianity.

I have made my Christian life a mental checklist! 

Have I attended online service? Did I serve the church? Does my Spotify play time of Christian songs as high as secular ones? 

Whom I made a fool of? 

I feel so much drained, I lied down in darkness, hugging my ukulele without playing anything. I didn't know that awaken, doing nothing in darkness can feel so relaxing. 

It is funny that in the pursue of growing a Christian lifestyle, I lost. 

I played the Healing+ on my Spotify, sang lightly, and a tear sheepishly gathered but not fall. I realised I have missed the core and essence of Christianity. Relationship. 

It's just like an old marriage couple who take for granted the essence of marriage life: "We do date night. We celebrate anniversary. Sex is good." 

What we don't know is the how. How they do date night? How the anniversary is celebrated? It comes to me: it's not about what but how, it's not about the quantity and frequency, it's about the quality. 

Guilty as charged. I rarely pay full time intimate time to God. I tune in to 3-4 online services - while doing work. I do work for church - also to enhance my skill. I listen to the church song - for my ease of heart. 

Guilty as charged. I do things for the sake of doing instead of intimacy. I do things for the sake of me instead of God. 

Going back to the metaphorical old marriage couple, they do whatever they are doing for the sake routine and  checklist, so they are validated as a decent marriage couple, as a good husband or wife. 

Do they care about one each other? Maybe yes, maybe not.

So do they grow in love? Probably. 

 At least, the other one will not complain that they are not being taken care of and appreciated. 

No wonder I feel so drained. I have been doing Christianity in the wrong way.