Cyber Cycle

To be able finish this writing or start as I am right now, it takes me a lot time of pondering, finding courage, and contemplating. What I’m going to share will be seen as desperation, for some people. However, if you can keep your mind open, there’s a lot of interesting point of view that you can obtain.

It started last year, while I was in China, my superbestfriend (sbf) was into online dating app. Okay, I can hear some meaningful “ooh” from you now. Almost every one or two weeks, she updated me about her exploration of this app. It ranged from interesting people she talked to, or the meet ups she had been to. Both of us are early 20s girls, have been single for some times (or forever in case of me), it isn’t a surprise that this new thing in town was irresistible. She got into some stories with these guys. That time, honestly, I was kind of envy her, as she got chance to meet someone new (read: guy), got her phone noisy and notified frequently. Meanwhile, I didn’t get a chance to try yet because I stayed in country which censors almost everything.

Once I arrived in more liberal country, of course, the first thing I did to satisfy my curiosity and anticipation was download that legendary app. I was even up for whole night as I was so excited with it. Oh geez, now you really think I was some desperate single with love thirst so badly. Okay, I was (or am?), haha, but who doesn’t? Like someone keep telling you their stories and you can’t even try and find out the thrill by yourself.

In short, I finally got the chance to try.  However, it turned out not as what I expected. For about few months, there was no one interesting or (most likely case) interested in me. Until I went to this neighborhood of my country, the real game finally began! I got zillion matches, and billion chats in three days spent there causing my fingers crammed (I agree, I’m lousy). But, only one person continued to messenger and at the end this person overwhelmed me so much.

If at this point, you can’t stand with my shallowness and are going to close this window, please bear with one more time, it’s getting nearer to the interesting point, I promise. The purpose of me writing this isn’t to blurt about my “boring and pointless” (how my sbf and bff define my stories) experience with particular or certain guys that I met in that app. Though I had thought about that can be an interesting post too, but have decided that’s not decent way to distinguish this phenomenon. Am I hearing “Thanks God” there?

After spending several months, getting matches, having ups and downs in talking with some guys-which sometimes unnecessarily turns to be complicated and devastating because involving too much personal feelings and attachment, and over expectation-, I have found that online dating app is eloquent and discussable issue. Many refer it as “ruining dating and relationship culture”. Others argue it enhances free sex or affair chances. As someone who is keen in human peculiarity, my involvement  and observation has brought me a great degree of thought and understanding, which I simplify to be Cyber Cycle, which by the way happens to be D-E-E-D-E (not bad huh!).

*Since I’m telling this from girl point of view, all objects will be referred as guy. Have no idea whether girls do the same or not.*

Cycle 1: Discovery

The very first initial part is always the most exciting phase. User chooses and decides who is cute and who is lame, who has chance to hop to next cycle and who stops. Personally, I enjoy this stage, I get to see many people, and how the present themselves through short profile or photos. Like it, then give it a yes/love/right, and vice versa. Everyone surely will set the best presentation to attract as many as matches.

 Whatever the picture is it is the way of building self image. “I am cool and girls like me” kind of type may put picture with him hugged by some girls. “I have great body heh!” guy will put a pic of his mirror selfie showing off abs and muscle, I always give a no to this type. The trite one is travelling pictures with breathtaking sceneries and him inside (this includes me as well). Though sometimes evil side of me think that this person is showing off his wealth through travel experiences, but to be honest this kind of pic is the most attracting one. Travelling means he has a lot of experience and interesting topics to talk about, besides the thought of his wealth isn’t bad as well, haha.

For me, profile is significant. Sometimes I give right to guy who actually isn’t that good looking but has some thoughtful profile. Sometimes too I slide randomly without really aware of looks. The most likely thing is the one who talks to me is someone who I liked hesitantly. The one who I highly expect (because super cute and handsome) usually just stays as a match without any follow up. Sad.

Cycle 2: Exploration

After matching, it is unwritten rule that guys are the ones who suppose to initiate the conversation. Not all matches are going to chat (read sad story above). Some come with creative-though-copy paste-opening line, either it is a random casual, preferences question, or something relating with girl’s profile or photo. I appreciate the latter one. Then conversation begins. Most of times, it’s going to be banal rotating around job-study-whereabouts. Some is going really fun and stimulating, such as discussion or banter.

If the conversation is getting comfortable, then again, it’s usually guy who initiates to ask girl’s messenger in order to keep in contact and get it more intense. From what I experienced, there were some guys who asked my Facebook instead of messenger, some of them talk a bit in the beginning but then fly to cycle 5 after. I categorize them as the diplomatists. It seems that they may interest in you but not that interest to the point to keep conversation going on or to know you better or to let you cross their “wall”. In the end, they just remain as Facebook friends who you recognize but not know.

Cycle 3: Exhilaration

To simplify in defining this phase, think about someone who is high on drugs. It is between two people who are passionately eager to know and connect with each other. Both share mutual feelings, and to speak in exaggerating manner, they can’t get enough with each other. Texting may start from good morning-what you eating-what r u up to-blabla not important but keep texting-repeat eating and u up-good night. Sometimes involves hourly talking on phone etc.  

Are they falling in love? Not sure. They’re just excited like a kid has a new toy.

For how long? No clue. But in my case, without a real meet up, one month tops.

Speaking of meet up, I haven’t got adequate understanding. It may come at cycle 2 or cycle 3. But bottom line is meet up isn’t going to preserve the situation.

Where is the excitement going on? It could be to next level of relationship if fate allows. I think this is part why the apps got so popular because the exhilaration of getting to know someone and by any chance involving romantically is irresistible. To talk to someone new outside your existing circle, to have imagination and picture of how he would be like in real life, to have hope of where this will be going is tempting and challenging. There are also some successful stories about couples who met online and magically bound to be with each other. Everyone is longing for fairy tale, we can’t deny.

On a chance, there's always possibility for both to end up as friends. Although sometimes it is really hard to finally settle this status as both parties start from "online dating app" label and expectation of romance. It needs unspoken agreement and confirmation that both stand on the same side of friendzone. 

 Cycle 4: Drop-Off

However, no matter how sweet it is, there’s always some chance for downfalls. Huh, it takes me a lot write this part. It is truly the opposite of previous cycle. Metaphorically, the dark cloud invades and hides the starry night sky, the fragrance from the bloom of roses gradually or abruptly diminishing. Either there is one or both back off, the beat in the relationship is weakening. Stage marks with gradual or abrupt declining interaction frequency, vibe-less interaction, and wall building. 

As someone who is over sensitive, that three marks really put me down. Seeing someone who was closed to, who once talked for hours a day intensively, who was so open and hyped, is pulling himself away. He builds a wall and doesn't let you to even peek at it, much less tear it down. 

There are variants of causes. Both (or one) find that they aren't real match in attitude or thinking. Moreover, it could come to realization that romance is hard way to go because of ABC factors and friendship seems unlikely as well. Sometimes, even both meet in characters and everything, it is just naturally time expiration, the vibe goes away and leaves nothing behind. 

Particularly, when both never met, it is surely decreases hundred times faster. Because though we live in cyber online world, apparently human still need real physical touch and presence. There’s one once identifies this as “common shared experience”. I guess you can’t keep talking to someone who you haven’t validated in person. Sometimes I dissatisfy with this notion and argue by pointing to some old story about the one who never met but got some feelings from regular correspondences (i.e. You’ve Got Mail or The Lake House). People just give me a sigh and ignore my defiance. After all, I prefer to acknowledge this stage as end of fate, as I have written before.  

Cycle 5: Expiration

This stage signifies the ones who were willing to keep up all night in order to go on talking for some interesting topic discussion, or the ones who have spent days of months talking intensively nonstop, or the ones who have flirted with each other and talked about world could just remain as insignificant messenger contact that will never get in touch ever. It comes as no surprises that no matter how high both got on Exhilaration stage, if there is a hello, sure there is a goodbye as well. Even years of friendship could come to an end, let alone the connection developed instantly online without any common shared ground or background. However, since I put these as "cycle" then one always have the chances to keep sliding and find another target to restart the story with, as the basic idea is meeting something new is always exciting and stimulating, right? 

There is a line that I found online:

“Being on Tinder has taught me to unsubscribe from unrealistic romantic clichés. A frog doesn’t turn into a prince just because you reply to his “u up?” text message, and I don’t automatically owe anyone who expresses interest a second chance.”

Though not few successful stories of finding love on online dating apps are shared around the web, but I, myself, expect nothing from it. I try not to be skeptical, because one can find love and fate everywhere.

In the end, what I want to convey through this post in addition to justify why I still use it is though some people see these apps as shallow or medium of desperation in love, or even obscene sex channel, personally I consider it as social and technology phenomenon that marks the decade to be historical and momentous. Going above and beyond, I have a great deal of worth experiences and valuable understanding about human that I learn from my playing time, not to mention (significant and insignificant) new friends (or just acquaintance).

 As time is short, things (especially technology) come and go rapidly, its more enjoyable to involve as a player than to sit in tribune as a spectator or to comment without really undergo the real experience there as a critic or even worse to just listen the crowd and noise inside as a passerby. The things to note are player must know the timing to start, to rest, and to stop, and to understand the risk and foul of play arena, even David Beckham had been hurt in field I guess.

PS: Due to laziness, I am regrettably sorry to not provide proper sources and hyperlink to quotation or data.