it's over, finito!
July 31, 2015 - 12.53 PM
I just spent hours for stalking someone who I said I have already got over with. This time I swear, I am moving on. Though I already told this to myself hundred times before, this time I really really mean it.
Other people may think that how come someone who just spent whole mid night stalking could say that she's moving on? No! I'm serious. I realized that I don't know him, he doesn't know me. We were just two people intertwined by fate on short time. It's enough for those time I spent crying over, playing ifs, wondering this and that. I don't say that I wasted my time to be a silly girl who taught over and over someone who doesn't care and think of me. He was special, he contributed something taught things shared stuffs with me. It's true that you forget what people did and said to you, but you never forget how they made you feel. The feeling that he gave which what I appreciate and consider worthed for my long sorrow.
Friends thought I'm too cheesy expecting someone who haven't met in person. I kept wondering where I did wrong, which part of me can't be stood of. Someone who was super nice, listened to every of my complains and responded well to it, suddenly became so cold and ignorant of me. Is it because I'm always complaining, judgmental, petty, silly, childish, or what? I was blaming and angry to myself!
Those were after I blamed and wondered about him who talked about finding new friends blablabla. I don't expect much to have future ahead. Friend is more than enough. But even just a single text for me after reaching there seems to be so expensive and too much. That's not how you treat friend, friend..
I have pondered upon fate that how a certain fate could bring two people together for one time and in a blink, steal the feeling between and boom! that two people become stranger or worse, enemy. I understand how fate works, no need to complain, play ifs, make your own scenario or else. I kept telling this to myself during my grief. Nevertheless, it's still damn hard and painful.
I have no idea what makes me realize eventually, whether the cheesy quote that says why you keep thinking someone who doesn't think of you; or the wind blows during my right running really took my sadness away; or it's just a matter of time.
That's the benefit of introvert. One day you wake up happy, other day you wake up cranky. So today I woke up and couldn't start my phone. I couldn't check and wish whether he texted me or not. Maybe that cut my crankiness a little bit. Then I checked Facebook found his updates on first line. But I felt much less hurt than yesterday. Thought of him still emerged however I could handle.
I got better on the rest of the day. Changing my playlist also helped. I felt that I have moved on a bit. So I decided to close all of this by stalking him and blubbing all my pain for the last time.. Though I felt kinda ridiculous for checking all his photos, discovering his life, and having questions now after I have no chance to ask him. Why not that time? Was I really not that attracted to him back then so I didn't really care? No matter what, as I finished peeping his life, I close his chapter in me. I unfollow him so his updates wouldn't show up. His name's also hidden from my chat list. Unfriend seems harsh, so I skipped it. Then I am writing this, reading this all over again as the last page of his episode But when my phone is back, should I read the text? I take that as learning project, but I still afraid my heart will waver.
I know maybe this feeling doesn't completely go away. There's still some small percentage left inside me. It's okay, I have passed the hardest part, so the left shall too pass..
November 3, 2015 - 11.21 PM
So far, I have learned that I take things far too personal. I have learned how to overcome it as well. I have got in touch with some guys, have experienced all the meaningless cycle. One by one comes and goes. It's okay, I'm okay.
The only thing isn't okay is that the initial one, the only one that should be gone from a long time, still be there, staying and clinging tightly. I know it's all me. It's all in my mind that keep him there, not letting him go. Seems like nothing is more significant enough to substitute his place. Im even willing to change everything that I have got to be back to those time.
Nothing will be different. In the end, everything will be the same at it is. Because it's not about me,it's not about him. It's about the rule of the world namely fate. I understand, I master it, Okay. But I still can't (or don't want) move on?
How one can say move on is something that you can do or something that you do? My heart just flutters when I see his name in my contact list. I could re-read for unknown times to our conversation because I just miss him. But in the same time, I couldn't re-read because it's sour. It feels like I have super sour lime in my heart. It's like torturing myself reading that convo.
Every time all the memories run through back again, I can't hold my feelings. I know this all super crazy, stupid, useless, and everything. But why it's just so hard? Is it just me the one who makes all this trouble? I know its all my brain and this upcoming PMS. Every month I should go over the same thing. I pity myself really. I know on the other side, he might even has forgotten who I am.
I just spent hours for stalking someone who I said I have already got over with. This time I swear, I am moving on. Though I already told this to myself hundred times before, this time I really really mean it.
Other people may think that how come someone who just spent whole mid night stalking could say that she's moving on? No! I'm serious. I realized that I don't know him, he doesn't know me. We were just two people intertwined by fate on short time. It's enough for those time I spent crying over, playing ifs, wondering this and that. I don't say that I wasted my time to be a silly girl who taught over and over someone who doesn't care and think of me. He was special, he contributed something taught things shared stuffs with me. It's true that you forget what people did and said to you, but you never forget how they made you feel. The feeling that he gave which what I appreciate and consider worthed for my long sorrow.
Friends thought I'm too cheesy expecting someone who haven't met in person. I kept wondering where I did wrong, which part of me can't be stood of. Someone who was super nice, listened to every of my complains and responded well to it, suddenly became so cold and ignorant of me. Is it because I'm always complaining, judgmental, petty, silly, childish, or what? I was blaming and angry to myself!
Those were after I blamed and wondered about him who talked about finding new friends blablabla. I don't expect much to have future ahead. Friend is more than enough. But even just a single text for me after reaching there seems to be so expensive and too much. That's not how you treat friend, friend..
I have no idea what makes me realize eventually, whether the cheesy quote that says why you keep thinking someone who doesn't think of you; or the wind blows during my right running really took my sadness away; or it's just a matter of time.
That's the benefit of introvert. One day you wake up happy, other day you wake up cranky. So today I woke up and couldn't start my phone. I couldn't check and wish whether he texted me or not. Maybe that cut my crankiness a little bit. Then I checked Facebook found his updates on first line. But I felt much less hurt than yesterday. Thought of him still emerged however I could handle.
I got better on the rest of the day. Changing my playlist also helped. I felt that I have moved on a bit. So I decided to close all of this by stalking him and blubbing all my pain for the last time.. Though I felt kinda ridiculous for checking all his photos, discovering his life, and having questions now after I have no chance to ask him. Why not that time? Was I really not that attracted to him back then so I didn't really care? No matter what, as I finished peeping his life, I close his chapter in me. I unfollow him so his updates wouldn't show up. His name's also hidden from my chat list. Unfriend seems harsh, so I skipped it. Then I am writing this, reading this all over again as the last page of his episode But when my phone is back, should I read the text? I take that as learning project, but I still afraid my heart will waver.
I know maybe this feeling doesn't completely go away. There's still some small percentage left inside me. It's okay, I have passed the hardest part, so the left shall too pass..
November 3, 2015 - 11.21 PM
So far, I have learned that I take things far too personal. I have learned how to overcome it as well. I have got in touch with some guys, have experienced all the meaningless cycle. One by one comes and goes. It's okay, I'm okay.
The only thing isn't okay is that the initial one, the only one that should be gone from a long time, still be there, staying and clinging tightly. I know it's all me. It's all in my mind that keep him there, not letting him go. Seems like nothing is more significant enough to substitute his place. Im even willing to change everything that I have got to be back to those time.
Nothing will be different. In the end, everything will be the same at it is. Because it's not about me,it's not about him. It's about the rule of the world namely fate. I understand, I master it, Okay. But I still can't (or don't want) move on?
How one can say move on is something that you can do or something that you do? My heart just flutters when I see his name in my contact list. I could re-read for unknown times to our conversation because I just miss him. But in the same time, I couldn't re-read because it's sour. It feels like I have super sour lime in my heart. It's like torturing myself reading that convo.
Every time all the memories run through back again, I can't hold my feelings. I know this all super crazy, stupid, useless, and everything. But why it's just so hard? Is it just me the one who makes all this trouble? I know its all my brain and this upcoming PMS. Every month I should go over the same thing. I pity myself really. I know on the other side, he might even has forgotten who I am.